If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
