So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
