Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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