Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
