There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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