The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
