You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
