I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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