none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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