the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this boner is exhausting
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize