Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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