Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
