the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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