textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
