Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
