you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
