The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
