Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize