Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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