this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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