My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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