I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
