Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
