You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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