Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
