Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
oh god the rape fog is back!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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