For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
