The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
