My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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