I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
