So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
