There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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