I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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