it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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