I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
