Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
