I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
