Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
