Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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