I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
