I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize