My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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