Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
