everyone is single if you try hard enough
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
