filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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