She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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