aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
