Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
