So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
