It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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