Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
