i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
