Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
