I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
