Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
