Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
