mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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