If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
high people should be assigned attendants
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
