"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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