Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
