God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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