Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize