Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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