So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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