tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
