New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
