Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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