i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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