So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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