Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Someone shattered a urinal.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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