Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
