I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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