maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
