I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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