OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize