Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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