guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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