My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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