why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
