She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
