Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
